Tuesday, May 27, 2008

And so,we go on different way..

Maybe life is not always in a way that i want it to be.such as now,wht i've been through for past few months were unpredictable moments.
in a blink of an eye,everything turned out differently.all of these happened after he came into my life.he had turned my days become blue and sad.or maybe its just because i was a fool of hoping too much from him.
he was nice,he has a good heart,he has done a lot of things that could make a girl's heart flattered.i admitted he was different than everyone i've known before.he filled my days with laughter,happiness,jokes and argument also jealousy.
i consider him as my teacher,my advisor,sometimes i want to see him as my everything,he means the world for me.
but was he think the same way as i do?i cant answer that.because he'd never told me what he really feel about me.even so, i know that he cared about me all this time.
and remembering that both of us came from two different world,where my life is strickly full of rules,my family,my tradition and most of it, is my belief.i shouldn't have any relationship with a person like him.i just have to accept aperson in the same belief and nationality as i do,and its obviously not him.
meanwhile,in his western life,he lives freely,nothing can stop him from doing anything that he wants.he's a thirty three years old british.Guy rich,i dont think you'll become what i have imagine you to be,and im sorry if in the end i choose someone else to spend my life with,but one thing,i'll never forget what you've done for me..(maya's diary 26Dec 1999)
in another place at the same time................
As long as i live,i've been through many things.i travelled around the world,i hardly stay in my own country.what a hell i care,im still young anyway,i 'd better use my chance for doing the things i want to do.just enjoying life.
i met people,i met women,i like them all,but i only fell in love once. marcella,she's my everything,she has everything that i need for someone that i want to spend my life with.but until now,i dont understand why she refuse when i ask her to marry me.she dumped me.i promised myself i would never ever want to marry anyone until forever i guess.i dont have any faith that i could find someone like her ever again.she's back to italy for good.
but then i knew one girl that makes me curious until now.i met her while doing my business in this country indonesia.
first time i saw her,she's really different from other in appearance.she seemed more like middle east girl.of course she's a moslem and wear scarf or something,i dont know how to call it.i saw new kind of person here.we're soon getting to know each other well enough.and now is more than one year from the 1st time we met.
i realize she's really different in anykind of girl i've known before.i can hardly touch her or even just to shake her hand.its forbidden she said.i admire that she's got her own principles to keep.the point is i cant treat her as other girl,she looks special sometimes.i feel confuse about myself.why while im with her i act so childish.i like her.she always listened to me while we talk.i really enjoy every conversation i had with her.sometimes i wonder what is she look like without that arabian scarf.her hair,her body,her face......ah its too much to ask for,i dream too much.not a slightest chance.she said she will only show it to her husband and her family.thats clearly me excluded.i dont know how i feel about her,my assistant on the office, this girl,maya....
(guy rich's journals)
after few months,exactly two or three months later since the notes of those two,they met.
Guy rich says hello first to her.she replied.not so many words.silence.then,they begin to talk,but more about the things they have to discuss abt life and work.nothing more.
at night she becomes confuse again.she begins imagining him in her dreams,in her fantasy."why he must come into my life,and ruin it again.....take away peace in my heart and mind.why i shlould meet him now,after i decide to forget him.i must get rid of him out of my life forever cause all of this is impossible dream forever". maya tries to make her own promise in her heart while she closes her eyes..
"i met her again,she's always the same,when i see her today nothing's change.how could a person stay like that?i dont understand.but the important thing is that im glad,im happy meeting her again."guy rich smiles alone in his bed with his hands behind his head like a pillow and his eyes staring at the ceilling.
while they're together for a few days on business matters,they act as usual.then guy flied back to his country as soon as the things handled well.she let him go as her wishes,her dreams about him.
maya tries to continue her life as before she met him.she tries to forget him.day after day,finally someone offer her a chance to start a new life.she accepts him.she thinks he's a good man and she can rely on him.she just wants to be realistic about her life.not wishing upon a shooting star anymore.
one day,a few weeks before she ends her being single girl,she calls him,guy,to tell him the news.
"hello guy"
"hello,oh maya,how are you?"
"im fine thanks,how about you?'
"im good,so,whats up ?something wrong?maya"
"i want to invite you,Guy"..
"invite me?on what occasion?it seems very important?"
"yes it is,i want you to come to my party,my wedding party..i hope u can come,Guy"
"what!!you're getting married?you're not joking are you?i cant believe it!you're still young,when is this happening?what a rush til u decideto get married so soon?by the way who's the lucky man ?do i know him?"Guy asked with a shocked tone of voice.
"no,you dont know him.and its non of your business about all this.its my life anyway,even if im only 22years old,i have the right to decide things by myself"Mia replied almost shouted.
"no,...no of course not,i dont intend to do that,interfering your life.its just im concern about you,will he treat you good,do you know him well enough to make him your husband?"Guy still curious.
"sure,i know him.maybe thats all i want to tell you,take care bye bye".maya close the phone immediately.
Guy,then, speechless,he cant speak more.he put the phone back and walk to the garden outside.
he walks along the street,his mind flies imagining her face and their memories.something he feels lost in his chest,he feels awful.
at night he cant close his eyes."whats wrong with me?i should've congratulate her,and not making her upset of what i've said.silly me,she's right,its her life.if she wants to marry someone,i should've support her.but why i feel so damn awful?"he speaks to himself.
in another place...maya felt very guilty of being rude to him.but she has to do that.she must hold on to her promise.
seven days before the wedding,Guy suddenly appear in her place.
he ask her to speak somewhere in a quite place alone.they went together to a park near the house.
"now,what do you want to talk to me about?"maya asked him directly.
"i need to know once again,please would u think clearly,cause i dont think you;re ready for this"Guy start saying whats on his mind.
"oh, so, you come all the way herefrom england just to tell me this?in case u want to know, i made up this decision since our last meeting before now"maya trembled.
"how come?you never told me about this.you used to share about everything with me" guy asks with confusion in his mind.
"i guess not all i should discuss with you.i have my own privacy.am i right?maya explain her reason."if u intend to come with good will,please,just come to my party,i'll wait for you"
she left him standing without goodbye.he flies back home,not attending the party.something tells him he couldnt afford of seeing her again especially the wedding.
i never thought i would feel this hurt again.i never thought i want to spend my life with someone again.but i know now,i want her,i care for her so much.but i was too late..
(guy rich's journals)
i try to rebuilt my life,my new life with someone.i wish for Guy the best,i hope he'll find another girl that more,alot more better than me.i wish him happiness...
(maya's diary)
(mie.short story1999)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

angan di persimpangan.....

"kau kira dapat dengan begitu mudah untuk mengubah dan mengatur takdir sesuai keinginan kita?tidak sama sekali........."dengan nafas terengah dan gemuruh didada yang berontak untuk dimuntahkan,Rosa mengeluarkan kata2 yg selama ini hanya dipendam dihatinya.
"kau kira ini semua kulakukan dengan sengaja?tidak!kalau saja aku tahu dari awal,tdk mungkin aku memilih jalan ini...........saya hanya manusia biasa,saya tidak mau munafik dan merasa saya org paling sempurna,saya bukan org paling faham agama didunia ini,saya jg melakukan kesalahan lyknya org lain,tapi dgn adanya kejadian ini,seolah2 inilah kesalahan dan dosa terbesar yang pernah saya perbuat,sehingga saya pantas dihujat dan dicela?lihat dari sisi saya sebagaimana mestinya.saya tidak pernah tahu sblmnya kalau dia adalah seseorang yg paling berharga dimatamu dan dihatimu.saya hanya mengenal dia dan menerimanya sebelum saya tahu apapun ttg kalian berdua.sekarang saya tanya,apa yg kau harapkan dari saya?"..seakan2 semua yg terkunci didlm pikirannya selama ini terbuka sudah.Rika terdiamdan tak mampu berkata apa2.yg selama ini dikiranya ternyata berbeda dgn apa yg didengarnya baru saja.
Dimata Rika, Ridho adalah sosok ideal untuknya,teman yg baik,pendengar yg setia dlm setiap keluh kesahnya,sopan dan sabar disamping otak encer dan wajah imut.
Sampai suatu saat Ridho melamarnyayg dengan berat hati dan penuh kekecewaan terpaksa dia tolak karena keluarga yg belum memberi restu penuh.Mrk masih berteman, walau kini dgn arah yg berbeda.Jauh dilubuk hatinya,Rika msh berharap akan ada kesempatan kedua utk mereka menjadi lebih dr sekedar teman atau sahabat biasa,dan dia pun menganggap Ridho berperasaan sama.Sikap Ridho tdk berubah,walau kini tak seindah dulu lagi.
Beberapa hari,beberapa minggu,beberapa bulan dan tanpa terasa 2tahun pun berlalu,Rika masih dengan harapan dan impian yg sama,merajut hari depan dengan Ridho,tapi...tanpa disangka2bagaikan mendpt petir disiang bolong,Rika shock ketika mendengar Ridho menikah!bukan dengannya,tapi dengan gadis lain.
Ketika tahu gadis pilihan Ridho adalah gadis yg sama sekali diluar perkiraan Rika,dia merasa sulit untuk menerima dan mempercayainya.Rosa,gadis pilihan Ridho, adalah gadis dgn kepribadian yg sangat bertolak belakang dgnnya.Seorang wanita karir yg lumayan cemerlang,yang karena kesibukannya bekerja,sehingga jarang terlihat dipengajian,cuek dan tdk terlalu familiar dilingkungan mesjid.Ajaib!apa yg dilihat Ridho dari Rosa?kapan mereka bertemu?dimana?dan bagaimana semua proses itu terjadi?pertanyaan2 itu bermain2 diotaknya.Dia mulai merasa marah,kecewa,benci,dan ingin sekali mengutuknya,karena telah merebut Ridho dari sisinya.
Masih tak bisa menerima kenyataan,setiap kali melihat Rosa,seolah2 melihat seorang pendosa terbesar dihadapannya,urat2 diwajahnya mendadak kaku,tak terpikir utk bisa menyunggingkan seutas senyum pun.Acara pengajian menjadi arena perang dingin baginya,suasana yang sungguh tak nyaman dan menyebalkan.
Kawan2 dekatnya benar2 mendukung dan mengompori dirinya,bahkan mereka ikut bersikap antipati pada Rosa.terkadang menyindirnya,memandang nyinyir dan jijik seperti ada kotoran diwajah gadis itu.
Dia tak pernah tahu apa yg dirasakan Rosa,derita bathin yg dialaminya hanya karena menerima Ridho yg dicintai Rika.Padahal dilubuk hatinya yg terdalam(yg tak pernah diketahui Rika)semua perasaan berkecamuk,dan bercampur aduk tak tentu.
Selama tiga hari sebelum pernikahan mereka,Rosa merasa bersalah dan ingin sekali memutuskan pertalian ini,tapi keluarganya meyakinkan dia bahwa ini bukan suatu kesalahan dan lagipun dia tak pernah tahu hal ini saat memutuskan menerima Ridho.Terlebih dia tak dpt memungkiri ada perasaan lain yg indah tumbuh seiring pertemuan dan perhatian yg diberikan oleh Ridho.Dia tak pernah tahu siapa ridho sebelumnya,bagaimana rupanya,hanya nama yg sesekali dia dengar dari adik perempuan yg berteman dengannya.Hingga suatu saat ayah Ridho meminta pada ayahnya untuk merestui mereka berdua.Klise tapi itulah kenyataannya,tdk pacaran tanpa basa basi.Ridho menyukainya,dan mengaku melihat Rosa dlm suatu acara pernikahan teman muda mudi mereka.Sang ayah menjadi penyambung lidah dalam pertalian mereka.
Ketika tekanan bertubi2 menimpanya,Rosa memutuskan untuk meluruskan apa yang terjadi diantara dia dan Rika.Walau mimik muka Rika yg menyratkan ketidaksukaan,itu tak menjadi halangan bagi Rosa untuk meneruskan niatnya semula.
"Sesungguhnya,apa masalahmu denganku?apa kesalahanku padamu?saya tahu apa yg terjadi antara kalian berdua sebelumnya.saya tak bermaksud membela diri,hanya ingin menyelesaikan kesalahfahaman diantara kita"...Rosa memulai percakapan untuk memecah keheningan diantara mereka.Rika masih memalingkan muka dan tak ingin melihat wajah yg sangat tidak disukainya ini."Bilang saja,jgn sungkan utk berkata sejujurnya,aku tidak akan protes"...Rosa masih berusaha memancing Rika utk berbicara.
Rika kemudian berbalik sambil menatap tajam pada Rosa,"Saya kira kamu tdk perlu pura2 bego,pasti kamu tahu dari adikmu juga,aku dan Ridho sudah lama kenal dan ada hubungan sesuatu diantara kami berdua............."saat Rika dengan panjang lebar menceritakan betapa dekatnya dia dgn Ridho dan masa2 indah mereka berdua,........pikiran Rosa melayang kpd ucapan teman2nya yg terngiang saat mereka menumpukka berbagai informasi antara Rika dan Ridho tepat beberapa saat setelah dia menerima lamaran Ridho.
"oke saya mengerti,sekarang saya berbicara begini hanya punya niat baik utk tdk memperpanjang masalah ini,sekarang giliran saya utk menjelaskan kenapa bisa seperti ini ...................."Rosa membuka pjg lebar kisah pertaliannya dengan Ridho....
Rika yg semula berusaha menutup mata dari kebenarannya,kini mulai dapat memahami.
"Baiklah,itu saja yg perlu saya sampaikan,terserah kamu mau mempercayai atau tidak,saya menyesalkan hal ini sampai terjadi,Alhamdulillah jazakilahukhoiro..."Rosa meninggalkan Rika yg masih termenung.....
Penuh keraguan akhirnya Rosa memutuskan untuk berjanji seia sekata dengan Ridho.Dia menyerahkan takdirnya ditangan Alloh SWT dengan husnudzonbillah.Ridho berusaha meyakinkan Rosa,bahwa masa lalu adalah sesuatu yg ditinggalkan dibelakang.bahwa dia bersungguh2 pada Rosa.
Rosa berharap dalam hati dgn mengetahui yg sebenarnya,Rika dpt menerima dan memahami apa yg terjadi dan tidak memusuhinya lagi.
Angan Rika melayang jauh entah kemana.semua kenangan2 masa itu perlahan-lahan sirna.

(mie shortstory.sept2004)